Flip on the 9-track and unwrap the chocolates Each month a freight company drops off a pile of 9-track magnetic tapes. Those same tapes you see spinning back and forth on the front of computers in old movies. The 1950's tapes Bank of America hauled back and forth on PSA between San Francisco and Los Angeles. Data transport. About the same size as a 78 record. Oh, never seen one? Anyway — back to tapes. You pay freight and handling — I'll send one (or more). Real artifacts. Maybe use in lieu of toilet paper when your kids “do” a neighbor's tree/yard? Or see the reflections of sun glistening off the tape as the wind flutters it. Nevada Bell (read that PacTel or SBC) sends call data to me using this ox cart transport media. John extracts data to — in turn — bill different carriers (IXCs) for our costs to terminate their calls (access charges). The data extraction is performed by 100-pound iron machines built long ago. They often break down. Depend on it. Parts are available. But it's cheaper to buy a used machine. Ahh, e-bay to the rescue. We buy old 9-track tape drives. And John is getting good at changing out parts (or machines) to keep those ole drives turning, turning, turning. Chuck opines “does an SBC board member own stock in a company still chugging out 9-track tapes?” My hell! I can't understand SBC's reluctance to switch to anything else. CDROM, floppy, or (gasp) an attachment to e-mail or FTP. Anything would be better. They had a guy pushing change. Methinks he got RIF'd out. But SBC did send us a secret decoder ring. (Like SMS800 uses). Use it to access the new Internet-based data delivery mechanism. Yes indeed, SBC was getting modern — except the damn thing was DOA. So I sent it back. Months have gone by. Nothing. More 9-track tapes. Here in the desert, hope springs eternal. CRAZY IP LANGUAGE TUTORIAL Every now and then we go nuts trying to explain what has to be done to connect to the Internet. As I write this, Christmas is just ahead — and Chuck McCown cheerfully offers this belated gift to all (including RUS). The Beehive acronym of the Rosetta Stone — to get a connection to the Internet: We have (at least) the following four types of connections in simultaneous use: Dial Up — IP over PPP over V.90 over POTS from an Access Server connected to a Router DSL — IP over DSL over ATM by way of IMA over T1 from a Router Back Bone — IP over PPP over HDLC over VDSL which comes on SONET from a Router Wireless ISP — IP over Wireless Ethernet connected to a Router (nirvana). In order to reduce this mess to something a human can understand, the following translation chart has been prepared. Maybe it works. If you can improve, please let me know. IP = Box of Chocolates PPP = Wrapping paper V.90= Bicycle ATM = UPS Truck IMA = UPS Hub T1= Cargo Plane HDLC = Padded Shipping Container VDSL = FedEx Helicopter Sonet = Cargo Jet Ethernet = Lockheed Martin F-35 Joint Strike Fighter POTS = Gravel Road DSL = Paved Streets Access Server = Post Office Router = Godiva Store So, how do you want your chocolates? Chocolates wrapped in paper delivered by a Western Union bicycle messenger riding on a gravel road who got them from the Post Office that received them from Godiva. Chocolates via a UPS truck driving on paved streets, picked up from its hub after they were dropped off by the cargo plane that received them from Godiva. Chocolates wrapped in paper, packed in a padded shipping container dropped off by the FedEx helicopter that got loaded off the cargo plane that received them from Godiva. Chocolates delivered by an F-35 Joint Strike Fighter directly from Godiva. © Beehive Telephone Co.